For the last 2 weeks I’ve been trying to find a aquirer, bank or whoever able to process credit cards for me on my websites.
Turns out none of them want my money…
This business is so fucked up that they can’t even advertise their services properly. They’re all hiding behind vague sales jargon claiming it is easy, instant, secure and whatever else kind of bullshit they’re spewing. Meanwhile. Once they see that you don’t meet their non-published bullshit requirements they throw you out on the curb.
A quick rundown of the companies I’ve approached and their stupid reasons why they don’t want my money:
- Skrill (Moneybookers) – Their site invited me to register and anything was possible. Their response once I registered and wasted a day on setting up my account: We’re too busy.
- SagePay – Took 5 days to respond; You must be in the UK. (Why that isn’t on their site is beyond me, and why does it matter where I am anyway)
- Braintree – Tells me anything is possible, so after 2 days I register for an account only to hear I must be an incorporated company otherwise the risk is too high or some bullshit like that.
- Ogone – You can be our customer (yay!). But…. You need an Aquirer contract from a 3rd party. Which doesn’t respond to my inquiries. And Ogone doesn’t respond anymore too.
- 2Bcheckout – Wasted another bunch of hours of my time to tell me; No, you must move more than $20000 a month to be our customer. Also you must be in the USA.
- Authorize.NET – Worst site ever, and I must be in the USA or Canada or UK.
- Worldpay – Doesn’t respond at all.
- IcePay – Doesn’t respond and has horrible reviews.
- Paypal Pro – Only available to US account holders.
- PayLeap – I must be in the US.
- Insipire Commerce – Took 3 days to tell me that it’s too expensive to have me as their customer because they don’t want forgeign trade.
- FirstData – Only available in the US.
- Stripe – We only do business with US Citizens.
And then some…
And the prices, insane. 2-4% here, 20-75 cents per transaction there. Montly fees. Extra transaction fees. Secondary costs. Startup fee. Interchange fees, Creditcard annual fees. And almost all stack up PER transaction. I’m not even going in to that.
Seriously. It’s too much and for the lousy experience so far… Hardly worth it! Greedy fools!
They’re all obsessed with security and all of them are better than the next in their own special way.
So fine… If they’re too dumb to want my money. Fuck you then. I’ll make my own software and deal directly with the bank. But wait… To become PCI Approved (some marketing security bullshit that allows you to handle creditcard details) will take 6-18 months and costs generally more than $44000 to be able to apply and see if you qualify. Then several thousand more to actually become PCI approved. Or atleast that’s what I understood from it.
I give up…
Oh wait – My own bank is a PSP too. Yes yes! And they accept creditcards and stuff. Yay – So I’ve applied there. And they accepted. After I explained the product to sales. Yea… They didn’t even know themselves what their Omnikassa (that’s what it’s called) does. Awesome folks! Fucking idiots!
And worse; The reviews from other users are shit. Their support is shit. I can’t find working software to implement their payment gateway into my sites and their manuals to develop things myself are shit and seem incomplete.
So that’s a horrible experience and I didn’t even start using them yet…